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The BrucesSecond Bruce: G'day, Bruce! First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce! Third Bruce: How are you Bruce? First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce. Second Bruce: Where's Bruce? First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce. Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce. First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum! Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce. First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said, and she smiled quietly to herself. Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up. Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! (Enter fourth bruce with English person, Michael) Third Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce? First Bruce: G'day, Bruce! Fourth Bruce: Bruce. Second Bruce: Hello, Bruce. Fourth Bruce: Bruce. Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce? Fourth Bruce: G'day, Bruce. Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a man from Pommyland who is joinin' us this year in the Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. EveryBruce: G'day! Michael Baldwin: Hello. Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce? Michael: No, it's Michael. Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion. Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear? Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer. First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!! EveryBruce: Amen! Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty. Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here. EveryBruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce! Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip. Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach? Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud. Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers! Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit! Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce! EveryBruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, amen! Fourth Bruce: Another two! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions? Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter? Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter? New-Bruce: No! Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One! Everybruce: No Poofters! Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three? Everybruce: No Poofters!! Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five ... Everybruce: No Poofters! Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven... Everybruce: No Poofters!! Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand. EveryBruce: Amen! [At this point, on the Album versions, they break into song... ] The television version continues... First Bruce: Right, let's get some sheilas. (An Aboriginal comes in with an enormous tray full of huge steaks) Fourth Bruce: OK. Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses. Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime. Fourth Bruce: OK. Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce. First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points) (Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth bruce's ear. Hold close-up. A superimposed arrow points to the ear) Voice over: Number nine. The ear. (All Bruces break into song... )
First heard on Monty Python's Flying Circus Recorded 25 September 1970, Aired 24 November 1970 , Prod. #62027 This sketch also appeared on their album 'Monty Python Live at City Center' and was performed live in the film, Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
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