Which type of PhD student are you?
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In the following article, journalist (and lapsed PhD student) Monica Dux tries to classify the Research Student genus. Enjoy!
This article was originally appeared in The Australian newspaper under the title The Thesis Species. It was published on September 9,
2006 in the newspaper's Postgrad Higher Education Special Report. The article was reproduced by the AUPGSA in June 2007 with
permission from News Limited, the parent company of The Australian.
Humans love to classify things, and no one loves doing this more than research students. So isn't it time the microscope was turned back on them?
Postgraduates
are a mixed bunch, but there are some ubiquitous figures that permeate
the hallowed halls of academia. No matter what your discipline, you are
bound to come across some of these folk during your study.
The Arrested Developer
This student has a latent social urge that lay dormant until s/he
enrolled as a postgraduate. Having missed all the fun of being an
undergraduate union representative, women's officer, band member and
overall great guy, the Arrested Developer is determined to make up for
lost time. Consequently they are keen to "get involved" and will take
on every role possible: editing journals, organising departmental
social evenings and enjoying a little too much of the complimentary
cask wine at faculty monograph launches. Their scholarship money is
seen less as an aid to study and more as a facilitator of their crazy
lifestyle. This type rarely completes their thesis, but they certainly
go out with a bang.
The Gifted One
The Gifted One's meteoric academic rise is due to pure talent, so
they are not to be confused with the similar but taxonomically distinct
Departmental Darling (those who are given unspoken patronage by
the department due to family or old school connections). Gifted Ones
invariably submit their thesis before its due date, publish it in world
class journals, secure book contracts, win accolades, attract media
attention and then crack self-deprecating jokes about the whole
experience (often in Latin). Songbirds flit about their heads, and
small furry animals run to them.
The most astonishing thing about the Gifted Ones is that, despite
all their achievements, they are also very likeable and unassuming.
Naturally enough, Gifted Ones are universally hated by their fellow
postgrads.
The Phantom Postgrad
Every department has a student or students who are supposedly
enrolled in a postgraduate course, but who, like the Scarlet Pimpernel
(or perhaps Big Bird's friend Snuffleupagus), are never actually seen
on campus. You read their names on conference paper lists, you see
their mail in departmental pigeon holes, you even hear them referred to
frequently by your peers, but you start to doubt if they really do
exist.
You are surprised when you get invited to their submission drinks,
still wondering who the hell they are. Arriving a little late, you are
told that they have just left, possibly riding off into the sunset. And
so the mystery continues.
The Show Pony
This highly competitive type is found in all walks of life, but when
placed in a postgraduate setting they exhibit unique characteristics.
Their greatest skill is the ability to always present their exploits in
a positive light. If they fell down the stairs at a departmental dinner
and broke their leg, taking the vice-chancellor with them, they would
be bragging about it the next day, describing the wonderful bonding
time they spent with the old boy in the ambulance.
The Show Pony is a master networker and acts as a "success
barometer", allowing you to pick the most important person in any room,
as the Show Pony will inevitably be getting up close and personal with
them. This voracious competitor does serve a useful function for their
fellow students: you can be sure your own studies are going well if
they call you up "just for a chat".
The Interminable Scholar
The Government has tried its damnedest to rid our universities of
the immature pupal (or "undergraduate") form of this species, but in
the postgrad world they endure. Never wearing out their welcome -
except with the funding bodies - they somehow manage to avoid
submitting their thesis for years and possibly decades, while remaining
a vital member of the department. They hold a wealth of information
about past students and staff members, having seen whole generations
pass through the university. They have sat on all known student
committees, have been on research trips to all six continents, and
their poignant cry of I will be submitting my thesis next year has
echoed through the university since time immemorial. This type of
student acts as an inspiration for all those who find it hard to
progress to the next level: a proper job.
The Departmental Tortoise
Like their wrinkly namesake, this student plods through their tenure
with a slow and steady pace. The Departmental Tortoise is rarely seen
at social events, preferring the quiet of the library. They eschew even
the slightest glimmer of enthusiasm and display no academic
flamboyance. But just when everyone assumes that an extension (or a
nervous breakdown) is on the horizon, the Tortoise appears at the
submissions office with a well bound thesis in triplicate, collects a
degree, then trudges silently off campus, never to be heard from again.
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