Vibe check required — Your guide to boundaries and consent

Posted on Apr 15 2025 by Jo

University life brings new freedoms and experiences and it’s also where you’ll make some questionable decisions — trust me, I’ve made PLENTY. But how you handle your personal boundaries shouldn’t be one of them. 

While boundaries and consent work together in healthy relationships, they’re distinct concepts that serve different purposes.  

What are boundaries 

Boundaries are personal limits you set about what you’re comfortable with in ANY relationship. They reflect your values, comfort levels, and needs. Importantly, boundaries protect your wellbeing and identity.  

Consent is when everyone involved says an enthusiastic “YES!” to doing something together. Everyone needs to be awake, aware, and actually INTO IT. 

Consent follows the FRIES model: 

Freely Given — Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. 

Reversible — Consent is reversible, and anyone can change their mind about what they want to experience at any time.  

Informed — Consent is informed and involves ongoing and mutual communication. 

Enthusiastic — You must actively seek and affirm enthusiastic consent through words or action, as consent cannot be assumed from silence or inactivity. 

Specific — Consent is specific, meaning that consenting to one sexual activity (e.g., kissing), does not mean you are consenting to others (e.g., oral sex). Consent matters and needs to be affirmed every time. Just because you consented to having sex once, doesn’t mean you automatically consent to sex in the future. 

Consent is not only determined when a person lands on a ‘yes’ or ‘no’; it’s an ongoing process of mutual understanding. It should never feel as though you are pushing or trying to get consent, otherwise the person may feel coerced into the situation and then the ‘consent’ is not true because it is not freely given.Chanel Contos, Consent laid bare: Sex, Entitlement & The Distortion of Desire

 

Setting your boundaries without apology 

I know so many of you are worried about being liked or letting others down. But take a moment to hear me out:  

  • Setting boundaries isn’t selfish — it’s self-respect. 
  • You never need to explain or justify your boundaries. 
  • “No” is a complete sentence. 
  • Anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries isn’t respecting you. 

Practical tips:

  • Discuss boundaries before intimate moments. 
  • Check in with each other. “Is this okay?” isn’t killing the mood; it’s making sure you’re both having a good time.  
  • Trust your gut — if something feels wrong, it probably is. 
  • Practice saying “I’m not comfortable with that” in front of a mirror. 

Remember: Boundaries can relate to physical, emotional, digital, or time-related limits. 

Physical  

Boundary example: “I don’t do PDA beyond handholding because I’m not auditioning for a rom-com in the middle of campus.” 

Consent example: “Can I hold your hand while we walk through the Hub?” Yes, but keep it PG, or I’m taking the first exit to Barr Smith.” 

Emotional 

Boundary example: “I need time to process serious conversations and don’t want to discuss emotional topics after 9 pm during exam week.” 

Consent example: “Would you be comfortable talking about what happened at the party last night?” “Not right now, I’m cramming for this assessment, but I’d be open to discussing it tomorrow.”  

Digital 

Boundary example: “I don’t share intimate photos in relationships.” 

Consent example: “Is it okay if I add you to our class group chat?” “Yes, but only for actual study help, not for sending memes at 3 am the night before an exam.” 

Time 

Boundary example: “I need to prioritise studying on weeknights and can’t stay out past 10 pm. My GPA is already on life support.” 

Consent example: “Want to study together in Holy Addiction this afternoon?” “Yes, I need the caffeine and moral support to get through these lecture notes without having a breakdown.” 

Final thoughts 

Think of your boundaries as the fence around your house, and consent as deciding who gets the gate code, including the ability to kick them out anytime you want! 

Remember: Someone respecting your “no” isn’t them being nice, it’s the bare minimum. Like giving you napkins with your takeaway, don’t praise people for doing the absolute least. 

Find people who respect AND appreciate your boundaries. 

Resources

University of Adelaide: 

  • Counselling Support — free, confidential, short term professional counselling 
  • Safer Campus Community — find information on support and reporting options if you have witnessed or experienced any form of unacceptable behaviour. 
  • Wellbeing Hub — practical tips and advice for all types of relationships. 

External: 

Sources: 

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