Grief and compassion for the self in a time of crisis

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

- Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Reflections on Internment in Auschwitz)

Much has been written in recent weeks offering generalised advice on dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. Taking a somewhat different approach, this paper concentrates on some of the emotional issues we all have to deal with, particularly the uncertainty and ambiguity that surrounds us and attacks from all angles.

Without taking away the need to look out for others in this time, as the crisis carries on, there is an ever increasing need to look out for ourselves. I will focus on two aspects of this.

Awareness of our own needs

Most commonly, compassion is thought of as being about others: being attuned to others’ ‘suffering’ and doing what we can to relieve it. Admirable. Most of us overlook the need to also be compassionate to ourselves: sensitive to our own ‘suffering’ and having a commitment to doing something about it. The interventions in our daily lives, necessary as they are, have turned all our lives upside down – we now live in a world that is unfamiliar in so many ways. Without self-compassion and self-nurturing, none of us will be much use to others.

With many of us, the change of so much we find familiar generates a sense of grief:  the loss of lifestyle, the lack of human interaction, an unclear vision of the future or the loss of livelihood. And as discussed later, our internal conversations keep questioning the risks of how long this situation continues unabated. Grief can take time to emerge and wane. Recognise that what you may be feeling may be ‘grief-like’ and give yourself the time for the most fundamental of human capacities to work – adaption. To help, Influence the internal conversations that you have.

For around a third of us, the key motivating factor in getting done what we need to get done comes from our affiliation and connection with others. For many, taking this away contributes both to our sense of ‘grief’ and our sense of self-motivation. For those working from home, this sense of loss is heightened. Yes, we have Zoom calls. We have email. We have the phone. But, many will be missing the human moment of impromptu conversation and the sense of camaraderie that arises. Recognise this need. Schedule the time to maintain the contacts you emotionally need to, not just those you need for work. Find a way of still ‘having a laugh’ together.

We must also rethink our need for achievement. With the changes we have all experienced, it is unrealistic to expect that our productivity will be unaffected. There is a learning curve to take into account – it takes time to get used to the technology, to sort out how we co-exist with our families during ‘work time’ and to factor in the delays that occur when the person you need to talk to is no longer three desks away. So setting realistic goals is essential if we want to avoid ‘beating ourselves up for failure’. Efficiencies will improve as we progress along that learning curve: concentrating on short term effectiveness will ensure against many of the negatives we feel.

The conversations we have with ourselves

Many years ago, Alvin Toffler wrote about what he called ‘future shock’ and how human beings can become overwhelmed when times change very quickly and we are constantly delivered new information to interpret and deal with. Whilst he was mostly dealing with technological and societal change, we can borrow the principles he set out and apply them to what we are presently experiencing.

Combine that with the language we hear every day as we gather our news and other information. Superlatives reign! Massive! Disaster! Unprecedented! News and other information is delivered with opinion embedded. We have been conditioned towards the superlative end of the dialogue spectrum.

So the conversations we have with ourselves become even more important. Are we really angry about something that has happened to us or are we really just a little cross? Are we really afraid for our future, or just concerned enough to think through alternatives? It was Gandhi that reminded us to ‘keep our thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words’, to ‘keep your words positive because your words become your behaviours’ and to ‘keep your behaviours positive because your behaviours become your habits’. And so, the conversations we have with ourselves become of utmost importance in dealing with the uncertainty and ambiguity we face. Getting the words we use right is a part of the process if we are to deal with the uncertainty and ambiguity we face.

That is not to say that we should never look at the negative or the risks. We do, however, need to keep perspective.

Every time we observe or hear something, we react nearly instantly. That is the amygdala working the way it is designed to. Research tells us that potentially frightening things in the environment can reach the amygdala before we are even aware of it. That reaction to the stimulus leads us to forming a judgment, from which we do something (or choose to do nothing). We use the mental models we have developed over our lifetime to develop these actions. In other words, our inbuilt biases come into play.

This process of ‘observe → react → judge → act’ applies equally to the conversations we have with ourselves. The time delay between observe and react is often ‘nanoseconds’; likewise, between react and judge. These are inbuilt and were of absolute necessity when humans had to deal with the odd sabre tooth tiger and the like. To follow Gandhi’s advice, somewhere here we need to put in a ‘pause’. Between observe and react would rarely be possible. More chance between react and judge. Absolutely possible between judge and act.

The ‘pause’ allows for reflection. It allows us time to consider alternative possibilities and interpretations. Is to observe (or hear), actually the case? Or is it being coloured by biases? Are there alternative explanations? It gives us time to choose our language and therefore affect Gandhi’s continuum of ‘thoughts → words → behaviours → habits’ in a positive way. It means we are much less likely to catastrophise events as they unfold and add those to our cognitions in a more reasoned way.

Treating ourselves with respect and compassion and minding our internal conversations is a good start to a thriving survival.

By David Pender, Senior Lecturer, Adelaide Business School, University of Adelaide.

David Pender is a senior lecturer in the Adelaide Business School and a frequent facilitator of Executive Education programs at The University of Adelaide, as well as a management consultant specialising in knowledge management, negotiation and leadership. He is delivering Increase Performance by Leading and Managing People as well as a number of intensive courses on these topics as part of The University of Adelaide Short Courses. 

As part of the Thought Leadership series we are offering a free webinar - 
Practicing self-care during times of crisis, Thursday 4 June 2020; 12.00pm (ACST)