Phantom study

A person begins to write in a blank notebook on a table with their iPad and headphones.

I'm so used to studying that I feel as if the threat is still looming over me.

Only a week ago, I finished all of my undergraduate degrees. After studying for five years, overloading for half of them, and finishing my study with a stressful 18 unit semester, it is fair to say that it was a big achievement for me. It has been non-stop study for a long time, that I have not completely processed being done. 

But the next day after finishing, one of my first sentences to my partner was "what do I have to get done now?". Sure, I am someone who likes to juggle many extra-curriculars and projects on top of study and work, but for most people, it would make sense to have a weekend off after such an intense time. 

After a couple of days, the feeling was still there. I am so used to bringing my laptop on the bus and typing up an essay, taking my work lunch break to work on a lecture, or going to be late after cramming in some philosophy readings. So now that I do not have to do this, it feels strange. It is almost a type of guilt, since I feel guilty for not studying.

Writing this now, it does sound ridiculous. But when you work so hard (and have completely burnt yourself out), it is hard to acknowledge that you need to take a break. For me, the end in sight never felt visible, especially with the aforementioned final semester taking 18 units. Now that it is over, I am left to consider, now what?

One week on, I can hopefully not feel that I am supposed to be studying, and just relax. It is a process, but I am getting there! Because instead of feeling intense guilt, I should appreciate these months before I commence postgraduate study, and indulge in the break.

Tagged in What messes with your head, guilt, rest