On missing out

I was really looking forward to this night out with friends and so of course, of all weekends to catch a cold and be sick, it had to be this weekend. I felt devastated and I honestly felt like the universe was cruel for letting this happen to me on this weekend. I felt so mad – after working relentlessly for months, in near solitary confinement conditions, it had to be this weekend that I’m sick. I felt bad, I felt angry, I felt entitled.

And there it is. Entitled.

After a nice, warm bath, I finally came to my senses. I made peace with the universe. Yes, I realized that the world does not revolve around me and my schedule. In fact, it gave me an opportunity to rest. I needed to rest. My body was tired from all the work and all the late nights.

Being sick always gives me the chance to remember how much I take my body for granted. My body’s amazing even while it’s fighting off germs – how brilliant that it even does that. Being sick is a reminder of many things:

  • That I’m grateful for my body;
  • That I need to look after my body;
  • That I am mortal;
  • That there are some things I can’t control; and
  • That there will be other opportunities.

Being sick was also an opportunity for me to take inventory of everything that was good in my life. I reflected some more on those feelings of being entitled. It bothered me. Was it entitlement? I tried to remember to be kind to myself in this process but realized that that feeling of entitlement can also come from a feeling of scarcity. Maybe I wasn’t giving myself enough opportunities to take meaningful breaks between work and study. Maybe I needed to work towards some balance in my work and life.

Wellbeing is realized by small steps, but it is truly no small thing.Zeno


Tagged in What messes with your head, phd, HDR, sick, mental health