Breaking the loneliness spiral

Here in South Australia, we’ve managed to combat the worst of COVID-19 (at least for now), and in doing so, have regained a sense normalcy. However, as much of the world continues to face the struggles brought about by the pandemic, I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness; not just isolation as a result of social distancing, but deep-rooted loneliness, which is distinct from isolation. Indeed, this moment that we’re living through has highlighted that we are an interdependent species, and truly do need each other.

According to Vivek Murthy, former Surgeon General of the United States who spoke on a recent episode of the goop Podcast, ‘loneliness is a subjective feeling that you’re lacking the social connections that you need; it can feel like being stranded, abandoned or cut off from the people with whom you belong, even if you’re surrounded by other people.’ While we tend to think about loneliness as a stereotype of someone sitting alone at a party, Murthy says that it doesn’t really look like that. Rather, loneliness can manifest as irritability and anger, anxiety, depression, withdrawal or a myriad of other things.

Like hunger and thirst, loneliness is a natural signal, and it’s a signal that something we need for survival (i.e. human relationships) is missing. We can often alleviate that feeling by reaching out to a friend or a family member, but the real problem is when that loneliness persists for a longer period of time, impacting our mental and physical health in a more permanent way. If we aren’t careful, that spiral can pull us further and further away from other people. And therein lies the crux of the loneliness spiral, which is that loneliness begets more loneliness; the longer it lingers, the more we turn our focus inward.

However, Murthy explains that there is a powerful antidote to loneliness: vulnerability. It might feel like we’re exposing ourselves, but the reality is, when we summon the courage to be vulnerable, ‘it often empowers and encourages others to be more open and real themselves.’ Contrary to society’s message that vulnerability is a weakness, it turns out that vulnerability may be our greatest strength, providing us with a window into our own humanity and opening up spaces where we don’t have to parse our words or create an illusion of who we are. In doing so, we give ourselves – and others – the opportunity to see and be seen, to love and be loved in return.

If you need support, please visit the Wellbeing Hub for a list of available services.